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SiscoCentral1915

The One And Only Wild Fighter..
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twitter.com/ASiscolink
I kinda don't do shit on Twitter, but....... here it be |D
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Now, I bet you're not wondering, "what elephant should I be noticing in said darkness?" well... it's something that I avoided looking at for quite some time and I feel that I should probably address it directly. But first, let's start from the beginning of why I decided to make this journal.

So today I have been watching a video that pretty much talks about why BELIEF is more important than TALENT, an excellent video in a whole line of excellent past, present, and future videos from an artist who is very raw in the way he talks about things, let alone paint. I've been watching his content for quite sometime now and with each video, even the new ones he uploads every week or so, I can't help but feel enamored whenever he talks about something that no artist has talked about before (at least to my knowledge).

I highly recommend his channel if you're looking for clarity and a sense of self because he talks about all of that, he's a teacher after all who keeps learning as he goes along. Though Adam's probably the only art teacher I've seen who actually KNOWS and CARES what artists are going through in a personal level in my holy opinion. Trent Kaniuga is still one of my favorite artists who is super chill and connects with his audience to give them a sense of equality if that makes any sense... but he doesn't hold a candle to Adam's wisdom honestly.


Now why am I talking about this? Well, there is a painting I did not too long ago that some of you have already seen. It was a... THING that I honestly never wanted to see again. And as I was watching this video, it popped in my head again. In fact, deep down in my subconscious, it always popped in my mind at random intervals. I kept wondering what the hell it was supposed to be and what it represented. It was so out of left field in terms of what I usually drew that it threw me and everyone else for a loop, not to mention feel extremely disturbed by the sheer aura it gave off.

I am of course talking about this thing...

... by SiscoCentral1915

What IS this thing? I don't know, you don't know, my friends don't know. But that's not the point. 

It's what it represents is what scares me the most.

For the longest time, I have been trying to figure out what it could possibly be or mean and why I had the horrifyingly fierce urge to just draw it. I recollected on the fact that my mind was in a very dark place. I was angry and frustrated and wanted nothing more than to hurt something, take out my frustration out on something that wasn't alive to begin with so I would avoid doing something I knew was going to be the end of me. Now it may have not been that specific, I can tell that's probably how I felt. I didn't want to end myself obviously, I've moved on from that mindset, but I got into a fight with my mom again that day and it started to tear at my mind.

So, with pure unadulterated rage, I started painting. I didn't care what it was, I didn't want to stop. I wanted to expel all instances of this negative feeling from my body entirely. And even though I had succeeded and felt an unbelievable amount of relief doing so, I reeled back in horror at what I created. This... THING that stares into your soul. 

Now what some of you (and by some I mean all of you) didn't know at the time is that
I posted a random drawing on Twitter that preceded the above image.



No one commented on it, no one questioned it, and absolutely no one liked or retweeted it.
As far as I can tell, people just saw a random little figure sitting in darkness with no real context to it.
Thinking that I was probably just making something random just to throw out there for the lulz.
The reality is a lot more darker than that.
This was a personification of the soul shattering feeling of loneliness I feel on a daily basis.
Feeling like everything I drew meant nothing to anyone that I wanted to reach out to.
And with that mindset, I knew no one would understand or care about this picture.
No one would blink an eye at it, or think that I'm just being dramatic again.

And then the other picture happened.

That had got more attention than I thought possible.
Though that's probably because of just how disturbing it was more than anything else.
Before I posted it here and on Twitter, I talked about it to my friends on Discord, we all came to the same conclusion
This thing was extremely cursed and unnatural... and a bit nonsensical, but the horror of it negated any funny jokes
made about it. Something about it just didn't feel right. And I kept looking back at it the whole time even though
I wanted nothing more than to ignore the fact that I ever made it. I kept giving ideas for what it might be and none of them
felt like they were true. Until today when I watched Adam's video.

What this thing represents, is me.
A creature who is twisted, lonely, and trying so hard to want to reach out to others
that I feel as though I am not sincere enough for anyone to trust me or my words. A monster who is visibly bleeding and tainting the water with its torn open eyelid for a head. It's ignoring the agonizing pain and suffering it feels on a daily basis, wanting only to make friends with something that could be similar to itself, but knows nobody would want to be around it because of the many many excuses someone would make just to avoid it altogether.

This creature is the physical manifestation of all of the negative and morbid things that had festered in my mind. In fact, there was a monster that was called Fester in my dormant project called Existential, which I plan on turning it into a music video story.
But yeah, this is why I didn't want to look at it ever again despite it never leaving my mind. It's because it's me in my rawest most ugliest form. Or rather what I perceived myself of being like. Just this strange alien creature that looks and acts strange to others to the point of them thinking something is horribly wrong with me that I need to get therapy when I know damn well I don't need it. Or for a much more hurtful example, people thinking that I'm "crazy".

It's convenient for people (moreso my parents) to forget that I'm stressed out or feeling depressed so my mind doesn't function like it should. I forget things more often and start shitting on myself for making a mistake. I'm extremely fragile in my self esteem and it fluctuates ad nauseam. I could be confident and not taking shit from no one one moment, to being afraid of even speaking up for myself the next. I look at this creature and they look just as fragile as my self esteem. It looks tough, but it really isn't, just like I am. And it scares me how it can just be all the negative parts of myself that I hate to acknowledge and still be so scary.

Maybe if I wasn't so hateful towards the vulnerable side of myself, this creature would mean nothing to me. It wouldn't disturb me so much or hell it probably would've looked less frightening if my mental state wasn't in such disarray. I no longer feel like this however, but the fact that this has been gnawing at my brain for so long made me realize that I'm ignoring what this painting truly meant. And I'm happy now that I understand to some degree.
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It's been a pretty chill day today, but I had a good time uwu
I ate a whole lot of lasanga, cake, and ice cream so I'm definitely content with today lmao
But yeah, I'm 23 years old now. I am now a year closer to dead |3
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(Update: 10/25/2019): I wanted to make an update to what I've been doing as of late. A lot of things have been going on since the creation of this journal, but I don't want to talk about what happened irl that nearly made me have a reality explosion that scared me to my core....
Unrelated to that, as always I be on the right track only to go back to square one, but I did keep things in mind such as the stuff I mentioned about the art. It's just my health that has been on and off lately. And I know that sometimes that kind of thing shouldn't be forced or whatnot, but I just kind of feel stagnant I should say. Now, my depression is basically gone at this point. I know it won't ever truly be gone, but I'm not at that point anymore where I would.. you know..

Regardless, I suppose other parts of it resurfaced such as me feeling like my efforts to do things is constantly wasted upon. I would be totally ready for something, only to get it blown up in my face. This happened twice now irl and it pisses me off when it happens. I know in some cases my pessimism can pull me back from my potential, but sometimes I feel it's justified. Though aside from that, sometimes my memory gives out on me more than it should and I forget things much quicker which is just.... fucking dandy, but this is going into more personal territory but I suppose that didn't stop me before.

Tl;dr 
I've been doing alright as of late, but have been feeling rather stagnant in my activity. My room is back to looking like a shitshow again, and I've just been really... meh as a result. There is also something else I wanted to talk about regarding Güneş that I should've informed you all about a while ago, but I just didn't. Here is the status update talking about it so this journal doesn't get eaten up in the process.

www.deviantart.com/siscocentra…

As for the Crono picture I mentioned a long while ago below, I did make some good progress on it, I kind of just stopped doing it for a while since I was still not used to painting, but I tried my hardest to make it look decent.

CronoMyStyle by SiscoCentral1915
I tried to do him in my style, which at this point is outdated. I'll also get to that in the Güneş status update as well. So yeah... that's all I wanted to talk about. I just didn't want to keep everyone in the dark about what I've been doing as of late. And I know I'm always like, "OH YEAH YOUR FEED IS GONNA BE SPAMMED BY MY PICTURES ASJKLHDJSALHDAJ", but I don't even believe myself at this point and it's always this boast that never comes true at all, so I apologize for that, when I'm enthusiastic again I really need to keep my mouth shut about certain things bc I clearly cannot draw fast enough for any of that to be true.



Sep 2, 2019, 7:50:21 AM

So... You're probably wondering why I'm making this journal (you're probably not, but let's just assume that you are-)

Recently I've been thinking about how to improve as an artist and I started to realize that..... it's time to let go of some of the things that I was prejudice about. What was I prejudice about?

Fan art.
Using 3D Models as References.
Using 3D Programs for Backgrounds.
Photobashing.
Body Study Art.

Literally everything that would've made my life so much easier...
But mostly fan art.

I know, sounds crazy and outright stupid, but for someone who is trying their hardest to get people to notice their original art and stories, I did nothing, but let myself become limited just because I was hating how everyone paid attention to my fan art rather than my original art. Sounds petty, I know.

For anyone who watched me for a long time, you know how I act because I reveal it through these journals and through serious art pieces with descriptions relating to me (or a lack there of if you want to refer to that one disturbing picture I've made a while back). I do stupid shit all the time and complain about things that bother me personally. I would be at my lowest at times and it would often lead to matters that shouldn't have never happened to begin with.

But I learned from it.

People make mistakes all the time, it only matters once they start to learn from them and make a change.
"You made a mistake. Don't sulk about it. Instead grow and learn from it." This is the motto I go by now.

But this journal isn't me feeling depressed or angry or whatever the case may be. I'm just finally starting to open my fucking eyes and realize that.... inspiration comes from existing sources whenever it be from other artists or even just random shit you see in nature. With that being said, so what if someone draws Sonic or Zelda? Fan art is what fuels original stories to be as they are; inspired by what influenced the artist in the first place. It's only bad if that's the only thing the original art and story is: a knockoff of an existing IP.

I want to avoid that as much as possible with all of my stories while still enjoying my time drawing characters that have been a positive influence in my life. I just recently did a redesign of Fox McCloud from the Star Fox series for the hell of it, which you can find here:

Fox McCloud Redesign + Cornerian Race Concept - twitter.com/ASiscolink/status/…

And now I want to draw Chrono from Chrono Trigger because that game was such a fun and amazing ride to watch Chuggaconroy play. I started to accept all of this because of an artist by the name of Trent Kaniuga who did tons of artwork for all the games you know of such as Hearthstone, League of Legends, Diablo, and so... SO much more. . . He's been an inspiration of mine for weeks now. He's a very experienced artist who is still growing stronger with his skills everyday and he has done nothing, but spread positive vibes and pretty straightforward advice for anyone who's struggling to be a concept artist and want to understand what it means to BE a concept artist.

I highly recommend watching him if you wanna learn some helpful tips and the like to improve your art skills! Or simply to just listen to a guy who's really chill and even has multiple original stories and games for you to check out! (He even has an artbook and comic for one of those stories called Twilight Monk! :3c)

Trent's Youtubewww.youtube.com/user/novacolon…
Trent's Twittertwitter.com/TrentKaniuga

I am a self-imposed character designer, there is no doubting that. It's always been my passion to create character designs that are interesting and unlike any other, but that is wishful thinking and unrealistic. While I do have interesting ideas, there will always be another who has a similar idea or is even more interesting than mine and that's ok, shit happens, move on. All that matters is that I learned something from my efforts and it will improve as I continue to draw. I've learned a lot of things while watching Trent's videos and honestly..... he was right about a lot of things.. things that I have neglected or denied wanting to do. I was doing nothing but making it harder on myself and it's part of the many, MANY reasons I didn't want to do anything productive, let alone my depression being at the forefront for most of it.

So I wanted to just.... do whatever I can to improve on my art whenever it be from randomly drawing characters that have nothing to do with your favorite franchise. All that matters is that I'm having fun at the end of the day. And to those who watched me for ALL of my stuff, thank you so much for sticking around, I really appreciate it. I know I've been a handful at times, but I'm stronger now that I fought and exposed what would've killed me a long while ago.

But yeah onto the meaning of the title!

The "Change of Pace" is really me wanting to finally be confident enough to show my art going forward on all platforms I'm on. I'm not benefiting by not showing a damn thing to you all. So I'm going to stop doing that and show you all what I've learned over the course of this year, how much I've grown as an artist and as a person. I won't say I'll ever be able to reach a "peak" or that I'll never be like a certain artist that I look up to because that's unrealistic. Artists, no matter how god-like they may seem in their skills, never reach the end of their journey. It is an infinite climb to reach the highest possible skill level and it requires you to never give up. EVER.

And I feel that some artists miss the point entirely when it comes to that. Just because you've reached a certain skill threshold doesn't mean you're suddenly at the end of your journey. You are far from done, each work from last year or 5 years prior would look embarrassing to your current self and skill level and that's ok, that means you have improved drastically over the past few years, you've improved. And it's about time I learn that myself as well. So, from this day forward, this profile will be updating like mad with new stuff! I need to clean everything up in my gallery AND in my room so I finally can have a clear head for once...

If you made it this far of my wall of rambling text, thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a lovely day~! :heart:
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Stole this from SyIthian ;w;
(I don't think I did this meme yet... did I? .3.)

Link to profileartfight.net/~SiscoLink ^w^
I is Team Dream :3c

General
[x] i will be playing artfight this year
  • (As I do every year.... and end up on the losing team literally every single time |3)
[ ] this is my first artfight
[o] i found out about it through dA
  • (Funnily enough, I found it during ChikkiArts's Youtube livestream one day and joined because of her :'3)
[x] i go slow and steady throughout the month
[x] i go hard and burnout quickly 
  • (I zigzag between these bc I have no consistency whatsoever, but do what I can to finish each attack |D)

[x] my profile is decorated
  • (I attempt to decorate it anyway ;w; )
[x] i am part of the artfight discord
[x] i have posted mature filter art
  • (Not on the site itself, but on the Art Fight Discord like.. once... it was Overgrowth related so there was blurd and violence lol)
[o] artfight is the highlight of my summer
  • (Yes, but also stress, so no lol)
[x] i do friendly fire
  • (Depending on who it is, which are likely to be good friends of mine :3c)
History
[x] i fought for team sun/moon (A Sun Peep)
[ ] i fought for team magic/technology
[ ] i fought for team monochrome/color
[x] i fought for team coffee/tea (Covfefe, freshly juiced |3c)
[ ] i have won artfight before
[ ] i played when it was on their old website/forums
[ ] my user number is less than 1000 (What does this even mean? lol)

Reasons
[x] i play because i enjoy the competition
  • (I hate this part of me so much bc I get hella salty when I lose for stupid reasons |"D)
[x] i play because i want free art (Well I mean... it's an art trade game, but-)
[x] i play because i want to improve
  • (I love testing my skills with characters that are out of my league in terms of design and sometimes I like to redesign characters that leave much to the imagination... even if they didn't ask.. It's a nasty habit of mine, but so far no one has screamed at me to stop so >w>; )
[x] i play because i want to give free art
  • (Even outside of this game, I be doing that, though I only give free art to my friends and that's pretty much it lol)
[x] i play for another reason
  • (So I can explore the endless amounts of characters ready to be drawn! There are some really cool ones in there and it gets me excited enough to bookmark one for next time or during the game! :D)
Stats
[x] i have 50+ followers on artfight (74 at the time of this meme :3c)
[x] i have made 10+ attacks (29 in total~)
[ ] i have made 50+ attacks
[x] i have received 10+ attacks (24 dun attacked me in total lel)
[ ] i have received 50+ attacks 
[x] i have uploaded 10+ characters (14 peeps so far uwu)
[ ] i have hidden characters
[x] i have over 200 points total (Holy crap I have 1281.57 points :"D)
[x] i revenge every attack i receive (I try to anyway ^^; )
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Featured

Eclipse - Twitter by SiscoCentral1915, journal

Let's Address the Elephant In the Dark by SiscoCentral1915, journal

Thanks for Le Birthday Wishes! x3 by SiscoCentral1915, journal

:.A Change of Pace (Update).: by SiscoCentral1915, journal

.:Art Fighter Incoming:. by SiscoCentral1915, journal